i am confused

Got this from CSI yesterday, one of them was asked how she was feeling and the reply was,

"better, but not great."

That is exactly how I am feeling right now.

Haven't felt great for a long time now, whether it was what I was subjected to or I had subjected myself to. Right now, I am still trying to grasp and grab hold of a little thing known as 'happiness' in my life. It really does seem like a distant past to have actually gotten hold of it.

Maybe I am the cause for the lost of it.

This time, besides losing happiness, I got lost in deceit. Leaving me in a web of lies. Lies don't just appear in said form but in many other ways as well. Actions. Choices. It feels as though my thoughts and actions have cheated me this time round. What's worse, it simply hurts when you know you're right.

Why have I then become such a liar?
They say 'environment maketh a man' (an adaptation really). This is one which I would not refute. Presently, my environment causes me to stick out. I simply don't fit in. I don't conform to their rules and code of conduct. It may seem to others I have conformed into their mould. I am simply being me but yet it isn't good enough. Their values are unable to adhere to me unlike the others. Maybe it's cos' one year is too short a time for their values to stick. Do i really want any of their values in the first place?

All I know now is,

I am happy but yet I'm not.

I am sad but yet I'm not.

I'm angry but yet I'm not.

I am confused.

That I definitely am.

I know I have chosen to give up certain things which might appear foolish, for reasons unknown to others.

One questions still remains, should I and am I regretting giving up what I had originally sought out to do.