thinking thoughts...
it's been a while since the last time i couldn't sleep. i was thinking. it's been a while since i thought properly. maybe it's why i feel so lost, so unmotivated, so whyamistillhere,i'mbecomingauseless,nodrive,nomotivation,i'msuchauselesspieceofshit.
i guess you could call it an excuse, but i really think i am still adjusting. adjusting to what.this.this kind of family life. i don't hate it lest you think i do. living with my aunt, uncle and cousin and bro is quite a challenge. in a snap, i lost that huge personal space i used to own for more than a decade. in exchange, i suppose you could say that my brother and i got closer, well, in a few ways. for one, we are sharing a room. you can't get any closer than that. my meals, lifestyle have gotten somewhat routine with minor deviations here and there. i get homecooked meals which were so rare back home, aside from the fact that no one in my family actually eats at the same time frequently. oh wait, we don't even have a dining table. with everyone's schedule being so different and all. and before anyone starts pointing fingers, my mom works long hours to give us the kind of life we had. although it was not perfect but i appreciate it. i understand sacrifices had to be made. well, my brother and i turned out alright didn't we. also, cooked food in singapore is cheap anyway. the current internal joke within the family is we have eaten at almost all the hawker centres around where we live, that we've run out of places to try.
now, where was i? right. thinking. personal space. i need a lot of personal space and time to reflect. it used to be my room, my apartment, my shower in my apartment, now i'm only left with the area which makes up four corners of my bed. oh wait, i doubt i really have that too. that area and only when all family members are asleep. that's my thinking time. it's really no wonder i've stopped thinking. thinking about my wants. my future. my life. thinking about how to go about fulfilling my dream. or what my dream is anymore for that matter. people keep telling me to move out. jobs don't drop from the sky, money doesn't appear in pockets (with no strings attached that is) , wants don't just satisfy themselves. of course moving out would be great. but with rising rental costs, lack of stability, certainty, other wants, and the benefits of living here, all have role to play.
so i guess now for the year 2008, my materialistic wants in order of importance, a nice seiko black leather strap watch for my birthday (if anyone does want to satisfy this, please please don't surprise me, inform me of the model, then we'll go from there, surprises of this kind i rather not have), partly this is for my jobhunt look. i realised i do not own a proper watch for interview/professional work. next would be my four thousand aud moolah to fly to singapore and korea all at the same time. followed by my cheap cheap second hand car to travel around. it sucks being bounded by lack of transport. sometimes to disappear is all i really need to do. it's something so easy yet so hard over here.
talking about the jobhunt look, i can't seem to quite get the look. do i really have to wear a suit for an interview? shirt and pants can a not? best yet, i really really wish i can get a job whereby i don't have to wear professional looking clothes, cos' i realised it really is quite stifling and boring, and i don't have many items here to polish off that look. then again. the pieces i actually own here are pathetic. most don't fit anymore. losing and putting on weight does affect a considerable bit, and my full wardrobe is split between two countries. that does not make things easy.
it would really be nice to have a job to begin a career which i have passion for. i don't want to settle. is that really asking too much? dreams disappear when we trudge through the path of reality that was not what we had set out for. ideals and reality don't have to be on opposing ends right?
i guess you could call it an excuse, but i really think i am still adjusting. adjusting to what.this.this kind of family life. i don't hate it lest you think i do. living with my aunt, uncle and cousin and bro is quite a challenge. in a snap, i lost that huge personal space i used to own for more than a decade. in exchange, i suppose you could say that my brother and i got closer, well, in a few ways. for one, we are sharing a room. you can't get any closer than that. my meals, lifestyle have gotten somewhat routine with minor deviations here and there. i get homecooked meals which were so rare back home, aside from the fact that no one in my family actually eats at the same time frequently. oh wait, we don't even have a dining table. with everyone's schedule being so different and all. and before anyone starts pointing fingers, my mom works long hours to give us the kind of life we had. although it was not perfect but i appreciate it. i understand sacrifices had to be made. well, my brother and i turned out alright didn't we. also, cooked food in singapore is cheap anyway. the current internal joke within the family is we have eaten at almost all the hawker centres around where we live, that we've run out of places to try.
now, where was i? right. thinking. personal space. i need a lot of personal space and time to reflect. it used to be my room, my apartment, my shower in my apartment, now i'm only left with the area which makes up four corners of my bed. oh wait, i doubt i really have that too. that area and only when all family members are asleep. that's my thinking time. it's really no wonder i've stopped thinking. thinking about my wants. my future. my life. thinking about how to go about fulfilling my dream. or what my dream is anymore for that matter. people keep telling me to move out. jobs don't drop from the sky, money doesn't appear in pockets (with no strings attached that is) , wants don't just satisfy themselves. of course moving out would be great. but with rising rental costs, lack of stability, certainty, other wants, and the benefits of living here, all have role to play.
so i guess now for the year 2008, my materialistic wants in order of importance, a nice seiko black leather strap watch for my birthday (if anyone does want to satisfy this, please please don't surprise me, inform me of the model, then we'll go from there, surprises of this kind i rather not have), partly this is for my jobhunt look. i realised i do not own a proper watch for interview/professional work. next would be my four thousand aud moolah to fly to singapore and korea all at the same time. followed by my cheap cheap second hand car to travel around. it sucks being bounded by lack of transport. sometimes to disappear is all i really need to do. it's something so easy yet so hard over here.
talking about the jobhunt look, i can't seem to quite get the look. do i really have to wear a suit for an interview? shirt and pants can a not? best yet, i really really wish i can get a job whereby i don't have to wear professional looking clothes, cos' i realised it really is quite stifling and boring, and i don't have many items here to polish off that look. then again. the pieces i actually own here are pathetic. most don't fit anymore. losing and putting on weight does affect a considerable bit, and my full wardrobe is split between two countries. that does not make things easy.
it would really be nice to have a job to begin a career which i have passion for. i don't want to settle. is that really asking too much? dreams disappear when we trudge through the path of reality that was not what we had set out for. ideals and reality don't have to be on opposing ends right?
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